I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I've had enough.

This is father's day Sunday. All weekend long Rhonda was planning the event: grill at our house. Sabbath or no Sabbath, this is what was on her mind. Friday night - going through the list. Saturday in church - sharing ideas during the sermon. This became a glorified outing, into which lots of preparation went to make sure that all were impressed by Rhonda's offerings. Having been stood up before in terms of help, I refused to take up a part in the process. I didn't refuse to help, etc, but I won't be going to the store to buy stuff and stand by the grill to keep them all happy. I've had enough of her striving for attention from others, working to get praised, going all out to show off. The dogs are out of my hands. And almost out of my mind. They were not listening when Ivan and Brynja came, I put them in the yard, she let them in the house. Juno gets on the couch to look through the window. Yaps all the time, whether is on a cable close to the bunch of people or in the courtyard.

The spread included potato salad, mac salad, grillers and leanies. Things were getting charred, things were falling into the food from the trees. I had the fire going. Hot. Humid. Wanted to get out. Showing off to the family and friends for the sole purpose of getting praised was too much of a contrast to 36-hour old intimacy consisted of dry humping. And then there is the attitude because I decided to go in the water at the lake. Sweet talking in the morning to get me cheery and excited just so her things can be done. The light fixtures she wanted to show off along with the chairs turned out to be almost a disaster: the second one has no switch, so it would up being 'on' all the time.

I have the boobs back on my screen saver. Just so we keep things in balance. Her skirt and loose top outfit were too much of a contrast to Brynja's Tee and jeans. Yes, Jan and Emanuel both could not ignore it.

Taking Denis and Geli to Chicago airport tomorrow. Hope she does not come along.

Perhaps this is not the best time to do this, but I feel an urge to start a journal. What took place should be put down as history, one of my own, for me to learn. This is to watch what takes place in my personal, spiritual life. I cannot walk around wit˙ sadness in my heart, but at the same time I cannot let my ideas and convictions disappear. Sure, I am expressing how 'I feel', but doing so on paper gives me justification of my actions later on, and helps me excercize so much needed writing skills, allowing me, some day, to get the message through to people with more ease.

Repentance is a change of mind and life. I'd like to call this place a reflection of my change. Whenever I stray away, things seem to fall apart. But when I give it away from my hands, that is, stop thinking that I can take care of my life by moving it in the direction I want, then, after giving this ambition up I can have peace and acceptance of my future. I do want to place all of my time in God's hands, and as long as I make an effort to do so, interesting things take place.
Marina and I had a long talk on Sunday night. At one point it even felt like the time back in January. But I have stated that she can freely go to the guy in Iceland, to Bjorn, to other possible interests and see for herself if that is her place and person. In the meanwhile it seems that is the Spirit was affecting the hearts of Marina's parents. Her Dad ended up calling my phone to see where she was, since they were worried that we were having a serious talk, to the point of breaking up. The next morning I got a call from her, sweet soft voice. Nice short emails, call at lunch. I met up with her at Irina's recital. Her Mom and her Dad were really nice and smiley toward me. It was only later that I learned why. Saying goodnight at her car, Marina mentioned that she is almost on Ivan's black list (a joke indication that my presence is wanted by her extended family), so she was contemplating upon these reactions with a pondering smile. Repentance is a change of mind and life. If you turn from your inappropriate ways, a life of new good things awaits you.

My class is in fifty minutes and I have not even looked at my homework. Is there any due? What will happen to this class? Do I hate the teacher or do I hate myself? Both are at fault......I have slacked for the fear of not being good enough, for the fear of not doing well enough and thus stumping out my motivation with this very fear. There are plenty of excuses in the bag, time to empty it and start filling it with actions. This is my first day, day zero. No more junky food, overeating, oversleeping, game playing, pointless web surfing, curious web wandering. I am taking a shower, dressing well for class, submitting all the HW that I can come up with. God gave me life, I must make best of it. Satan trips along the way, time after time - for me to beat him I must grab the hand of the One who is has beat him. No need to watch "Lord of the Ring", or any other 'meaningful' movie - my life is in the middle of the very battle and I can be a winner, day after day, if I choose to use all the gear and armour. Not that I am able to do it on my own, but that I must choose. So help me God.